Big Bessie Rowboat Blues: A Short Short Story

I was floatin’ down the muddy river in my old row-boat starin’ at my ugly ass wife Big Bessie. For 30 years all she does is give me the stink and the scowl like a scorned bull frog. I sat at the bottom of my whiskey glass in that old ass row-boat cryin’, “I’m fixin’ to die, I’m fixin’ to die, and I can’t be satisfied… why oh why am I going to die in this old ass row-boat of mine.”

Big Bessie looked in my eyes and said, “You’ll be dead faster than a skeeter if you haven’t bought me that dress and wine”.

“Bess, I don’t have your dress, I don’t have your wine, why do you see dollar signs? Stop askin’ me to buy you what I cannot afford, we live in a trailer on a muddy shore, and all I own is this nasty ass row-boat of yours.”

“Damnit Little Willie, you good for nothing hick, I’ve had it with your bullshit, I’ll beat you in this fuckin’ crick.”

So Big Bessie lunged at me with that nonstop scowl she wore. Her toothless whiskey breath choked me as she choked me, all 300 pounds. We wrestled and jostled until I pulled out my 40 and shot Big Bessie right in the head. Blood and brains were everywhere, sloshin’ around this damn rowboat of mine. And for the first time in those last 30 years I finally felt fine.

I rowed my way back to the shore with this big fat grin a gleamin’. Big Bessie rollin’ about in the base of the boat completely sap of scowl. For now I’m free of her tyranny and livin’ life as happy as can be as the cops pull in on me.

They threw me to the ground handcuffin’ my wrists yelling all sorts of vulgar and piss. Lookin’ out the back window I was wheeled away with nothing less than a smile to say…

New Book, Preacher Boy: About A Liberty University Student Turning Back On Creationism

A new book was recently published in both paperback and Kindle that’ll sure get people’s heads to turn. The author and I have been in contact over the last couple months through WordPress and this surely will be an interesting story to read. It is written in an effort to come across as a creationist’s point of view… as that is what Tim was for quite a long time. I think it will be interestingly insightful for both creationists and non-creationists. Read what the Amazon description has to say.

Meet Tim. A homeschooler from rural Virginia, Tim dreams of attending Jerry Falwell’s Liberty University and becoming a pastor of his very own Church. Indoctrinated in fundamentalist Baptist theology from toddlerhood, Tim is uniquely gifted to succeed in his pastoral training. After some close encounters with gay activists,Jerry Falwell, napalm explosives, the FBI, ATF, Police, nudist missionaries, alcoholic alums, sword wielding Muslim roommates and death threats from a Kenyan Muslim…Tim got quite the Liberty Experience. Tim, the preacher boy, took those things in stride but when he was challenged to read The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins his life and faith would never be the same.

Those of you who don’t know about Liberty University, it is probably the most hardcore religious “education” you can get. Their institution contains dinosaur bones and fossils with plaques that read ’6,000 years old’… when science tells us they are at least 65 million years old. Tim is somebody who went there in hopes of becoming a preacher, and left the complete opposite. I just purchased the paperback version and look forward to reading it and I suggest anyone else whom is curious should do the same. You can Twitter him @Tim29Short

Kindle

Paperback

Preacher Boy, by Timothy Michael Short

25+1 Words of Advice: From a Realist

Here are some words of advice, most by me, some by profound people… remember, take everything with a grain of salt. You, are you.

 

1. What you don’t want is just as important as what you do want. 

Sometimes distinguishing what you don’t want or need in your life is what vectors you towards what you do want. Removing the bad makes room for the good. Once you can make this identification you will no longer feel like you’re being pulled in multiple directions and instead you will be pushed in the one direction you desire most.

2. Knowing what you don’t know is better than knowing what you know.

Because knowing what you don’t know means you know what is left to be explored, as well as improved. At the same time, it’s not all about what you don’t know… it’s about what you know that others don’t. Essentially it means you are aware of your potential and you can emanate that potential onto others.

3. The best revenge of all is happiness… no better way to stick it to someone.

There’s no need to fuss over someone who has harmed you. It’s not good physically or emotionally and only makes you feel like you’re always dragging a sack of bricks. The best way to spite someone is to move on and be happy, because in the end you will be in a better place than that person and they will know it.

4. If life were easy, then what would be challenging? If nothing were challenging, then what would be fun?

No brainer, if you don’t challenge yourself… how will you grow? It’s human nature to grow and improve which is why life always seems so dang hard. An easy life is a boring one.

5. It is because we die that makes life unimaginably worth living.

Death is the most important thing in life, which sounds morbid. But it’s because you have a limited time on Earth that you create value on yourself and loved ones. Once you understand this, the whole world will open up to you like never before. Here is an in-depth article on this topic alone.

6. If it doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter. 

This coincides with a couple of the others on the list, don’t fret over the things in life that aren’t worth fretting about.

7. Life may be unfair, but the alternative is unacceptable.

No matter how down you get, no matter how lonely you feel, no matter where you find yourself in life, you will ALWAYS have your place and time on Earth. Don’t take away the single most important gift you’ve been given. Even though it may seem like the hole you’re in is as slick as silicone, there is always that something or someone just around the corner that will help you out… you just don’t know it yet.

8. If you want to look into your future, you must look into your past. If you don’t like your past, you must change your present.

Kicking and stomping over previous times does no good. The book thus far has been written and all you can do is write it, so write it.

9. …at the same time, if you keep hoping towards the future, eventually, all you will see is an undesirable past.

Waiting for your life to turn around is like waiting for a plane at a train station, the plane just won’t come. You must go to the plane to get on it. If you wait too long, all you will see is no plane.

10. People are interested in interest, exude interest. 

People like it when others are interested, we are naturally curious. If you exude interest into many facets of your life people will flock to you and give their support.

11. Time is the currency of life, it is the one thing that everyone has equally.

It doesn’t matter where you live, how much money you have, what your religion is, what school you went to, how many “friends” you have, how authoritative you are, every single person that is born on this planet has the time they are given… do something with it, because in the end it’s all you’ve got.

12. Just because you have already “ante’d up”, doesn’t mean you have to play the hand. 

This might be a little harder to understand. Some people feel like they need to pursue something simply because that’s what they’ve been doing. Just because you have chips on the table doesn’t mean you should put more chips on the table because you already have chips on the table. Know when to leave something behind.

13. Live simply and follow your own path. 

Simplicity is efficiency. No need to create complexity in your life, all that does is create stress. The first step in living simply is to only make decisions based off what YOU want to do, not what you think others want you to do.

14. Get in touch with your wild side, yielding is only for the weak. 

Every time you yield it’s because you doubted yourself. What does it mean to doubt yourself? Insecurity. Be deliberate and confident and liberate yourself from what other people think.

15. Live saintly… be a leader in simultaneity to a follower. 

You can’t be a good leader without being a good follower. You must learn as well as lead. If you can master this you will be among the few humble and wise.

16. Many fear failure, and then they don’t commit… trial by fire is the only way to find and perfect what you desire. Always jump head first.

The quickest way to learn is to throw yourself in the flames. Failure is the only way humans can learn… sooner or later enough failure leads you to your ideal, but you will never reach your ideal if you never commit and are afraid of failure.

17. Love is NOT all you need, but it sure is a hell of a lot of what you do need.

There are many things important in life, and not all of them are about love… but love is what fuels us to do great things, and without it you seriously are handicapping yourself. Don’t rotate your whole world around love because it will eventually find you unexpectedly.

18. The instant a new experience arises, take it at all costs. 

All you have are your experiences. It’s how we learn and how we create memories. In our final days all we will have is our memories and our ability to pass on what we’ve learned. A missed opportunity is a missed memory as well a lost place you would otherwise grow.

19. The two most important days in your life are the day you are born, and the day you find out why.

Not every single person is united with the same purpose, everybody has their own purpose. Once you know your purpose, you’ll know who you are, and once you know who you are, nothing else in the world matters. The gift of life is beyond measure speechless, use it to give yourself a purpose… yourself.

20. Question the world around you, ask “why” whenever possible. 

The more you question the world, the more you learn about it and the more you understand what is important. It also allows you to filter out the good and the bad, the correct and the incorrect as well as the ignorant vs the logical. The smartest people in the world were “why” thinkers. Don’t stop doubting and asking.

21. If you don’t have enemies in the world, it means you have never stood up for anything worth while. 

There is a reason a utopian society is impossible, too many people have a different idea of what an ideal world might be… this is why we never will have peace (read more about it here). You can’t always agree with everyone, so if you have enemies, it means you are unique. Uniqueness is important, it shows you’re not boring and that you believe in very specific things… things that are responsible for shifting the ebb and flow of society.

22. Every year go somewhere and do something you have never done before. 

This goes along with #18, experience. Your world will open up to a whole new level for ever new place you go. Don’t worry about the costs, or what you have to sacrifice to do it, it’s your life, live it the way you want to.

23. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck. 

Life always has a funny way of working out. If something doesn’t work out the way you wanted it to, it means that it didn’t work for you… even if you were predisposed to think otherwise. Closing the doors of lost causes allows other doors to open, usually unexpectedly and for the better.

24. Don’t be a little bitch. 

Seriously, nobody likes that. Quit your whining, develop a tough shell that doesn’t give a rat’s ass about what other people think. You are above the people who try to pull you down, stay above them.

25. Breath

If life blindsided you in the throat, take a step back, sit down and breath! Relax. Give yourself some space and time to make proper, rational, decisions. Don’t choke yourself.

Bonus. Take everything with a grain of salt. 

What do pretty much all 25 of these things have in common? They all have to do with living your life the way you want to live it. What other people say or do isn’t the be-all-end-all of the world, forge your own sword. And yes, this includes everything I have written.

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